bonecutter

I am surrounded by angst and discord right now.  It seems nothing seems to “fit” or make sense.  I feel strife every where.  What is going on?  I have good friends in seemingly happy marriages separated, people acting like freaks and out of character joining religious cults and eating cake frosting by the gallons, family quarrels on both sides of my family, work place drama etc, etc.  At least my life with my husband and kids is good and I am thankful for that, but I am not feeling peace right now.  It starts to feel almost selfish to be so focused on myself right now, but I truely think that is what is keeping my sanity.

Exercise–the rush of endorphins, I love it.  If I had more time I think I would work out all day.  It is so mentally therapeutic for me.  Tomorrow I meet with my trainer and I am excited about that.  I think he is going to tell me to cut back on the cardio and kick up the weight training.  I dont want to give that up.  We will see. 

I hope the stars soon align and all will be right in the world again. PEACE

Ok so thanks to all of you who read my pathetic blog yesterday and provided words of encouragement.  Everyone has bad days like that I guess.  I felt a whole lot better today.  My workouts are still kickin’ and I am meeting with a trainer on tuesday to incorporate more weight training.  I really hope this helps me drop some pounds finally.  I am wearing clothes that I  haven’t worn in a long time and that feels good.  I definitely look better with my clothes on–not so good in bathing suit or birthday suit yet.  I still have a fantasy in my head of what I want to be.  Not skinny but thin and ripped!!  I have noticed more wrinkles in my face since I have lost weight.  I always joked about that before, but now it is happening.  has anyone else noticed that?

Anyway, on to a new week.  I will not lose focus.  I need some positive feedback on the scale this week!! PLEEAASSE

Lately I have been feeling that no matter what I do I will always be fat.  I have been trying so hard and have seen very little and slow results.  I am really trying to do it right this time and it is so slow.  It makes me want to do some fad diet just to see SOME results.  I dont know what to do, I am so sad.

Today I went to the tanning beds–something I hate and generally dont advocate but I am going to the beach soon and dont want to get scourched ( I was only in there 6 mins).  Anyway, as I was getting undressed in front of the full length mirror(yikes!!), I realized just how far I have to go.  When I think about it I want to cry.  My inner thighs are completely cellulite, I have a spare tire and totally flabby triceps. Now this is after 3 months of intense workout.  I feel that I must have the most resistant body to weight loss ever!

“Fat” is sometimes a relative concept.  I mean, people will tell me I look good blah, blah, blah. but I am still fat.  I may not be as fat as I used to be or as fat as they are, but I am still fat.   I am so tired of feeling this way.  My goal this time was to transform my body in a way it has never been before, by hard work with no short cuts.  It just doesn’t seem to be working.

Of course I am not giving up.  I will push on.  I just have to get these feelings out.  Thanks to everyone for your support.   Sorry I am a downer today.

My 2 week absence from this web site has been really hard and now I am having a hard time getting motivated again.  This is so important to my success but I have worked late every night since I have been back from my vacation.  Exercise is going well as is diet.  Blogging will come again.

I had my fitness really put to the test last week.  Many of you may know what an exercise freak I am and I thought i was in good shape until I started skiing black diamonds with my husband at 12,000 feet.  i thought my lungs would explode.  I really felt like I had burned plenty of calories during the day but still managed to get a couple of gym work outs in.  When we visited NJ for easter I even bought a one week pass so i could continue my workout.  I kind of pigged out over easter weekend and I even drank beer!  Man it tasted good. No more though–back to the grind.  I am going to hold off on weighing myself, I dont think I could handle the dissapointment if I have gained weight

I would like to thank all my buddies and everyone on this web site for all of the support.  You all have been incredible.  As I enter the vacation land of temptation I will remember all of your kind words and encouragement!  Hope everyone has a great week!!

Bob on biggest loser stated that they give a free day to the contestants once a week to eat whatever they want but maintain their exercise.  That is terrifying to me.  I cant even lose a pound without cheating, I am afraid I will gain 5.  This whole concept of eating more to lose more, I understand, but I cant seem to get over the idea that the concept will probably not work for me.  I looked at my cals for the last two days and I am right around 800-900.  OMG I am like 1800 calorie deficit and no weight loss.  I wish I could trust my body to eat more and lose the pounds.  Does anyone else feel this way?

Yes believe it or not I am afraid of my upcoming vacation.  We are taking our kids for spring break skiing in Vail and then to NJ to visit my husbands family and I am terrified I am going to blow all of my hard work.  Anyone who is my buddy or follows my blog knows how hard I work on diet and exercise–and I haven’t lost a #@*% in’ pound in 4 weeks.  What is going to happen when I am away from my comfort zone and my elliptical?  At least I will get exercise skiing but I am definitely worried about the food and drink.  I haven’t had any alcohol in 6 weeks!  I would love a glass of red wine after a long day of skiing but I know how crappy my metabolism is and I will probably gain 5 lbs.  One thing that is good is I think I am in pretty good cardio shape so I wont be suckin’ wind so bad on the mountain!!  Gonna try to stay focused and eat healthy!!

someone please tell me!  I am not losing the pounds on the scale–for like 4 weeks I have hoovered around the same weight.  I exercise hard everyday, and I dont cheat. no gimmick dieting just eating healthy.  In fact its probably the healthiest I have eaten in my entire life.  I am so frustrated, I dont know what to do.  I keep thinking this is the week I will break through.  I have only been doing this about 6 weeks–plateau already?  I dont know, I want to cry.

I think I have officially lost my ever-lovin’ mind.  Just got home from operating from 7 am to 830pm scarfed down dinner, gave it a whole 10 mins to digest and hit the workout.  Just finished 1030pm.  Am I crazy, or just so desperate to lose this weight, that i would work out at 1 am if I had to?  I am crazy with the workout but my body is holding on to this fat like its starving to death.  I literally say in my head, “let it go, it will be alright, you wont starve body!”  ha ha!  Really I am amazed that I could change my diet and exercise so profoundly and see so little results.  Not givin’ up though. I am in this for the long haul.  I have an image in my mind of what I want to look like–it happens to be a victoria secrets model, unrealistic I know, but a girl can dream.  The dream is keeping me going for now,  it actually is much more realistic.  Good night all–Have a good friday and weekend!

I was just reading  my friends blog about her sagging boobs and stretch marks and laughing.  We find great pleasure in pointing out our various imperfections to each other.  It made me realize how although we are all on a similar journey, how different our experiences are because of genetics, environment and upbringing.  Natalie and I are exact opposites in the body department.  I have, by genetics, the flatest a** .  You could literally drop a plumb bob from the base of my skull to my heels and it would never touch my booty.  Since kids, I have lost my waist.  I dont know where it went but it is gone. My love handles are now bigger than my butt. ????  How did this happen?  I have “robust” thighs–once in high school, I was playing travel soccer, and I will never forget these two guys walk by me and say “damn she has legs like Earl Campbell!”  Just what every teenage girl wants to hear–You look like an NFL running back.  Well they were muscle then–not so much anymore.  My friend on the other hand, all booty and booby.  We still have the same struggles–just in different places.  I have noticed a tremendous amount of weight loss in my fingers  though!!  LOL. 

STAY STRONG!!