bonecutter

Well, after a very long hiatus, I think I am back.  Summer has been very fun but very hard on the diet.  We are socializing almost every night which usually includes good food and beer.  My exercise, which is my core, has gone to hell.  At least I have been wake boarding almost every night, which is great for my arms!  I even taught a class this summer on nutrition and weight loss and I cant even get myself motivated!  I cant bring myself to weigh right now because I know I have gained weight.  I dont want to let it “slip” back on.  I was really close to my goal.  I was easily, comfortably wearing size 4 and small clothes–they are starting to feel a little less comfortable.  I am not giving up.  I did work out 5 days this week.  I am not giving up, I am not giving up, I am not giving up.  Buddies, keep me in your thoughts and prayers, as I get back in the saddle again!!

Well I started this morning like I always do, weigh myself before I get in the shower, totally expecting to see the same weight that I have seen for the last 6 weeks.  But no, it says 130. OMG.  There is clearly something wrong.  Let me step on the scale again–130.  I repeat this process at least 6 times, take a shower and do it again.  Now I know that is not my weight.  I couldn’t lose 24 pounds in a day, and I know I would be damn skinny if I weighed that.  But I think– is this the breakthrough I have been waiting for?  I know I dont weigh that little but maybe the scale has finally moved.  I anxiously await my husband to get up and weigh himself.  197–what he always weighs. Then the kids.  It weighs them right too. We check the battery its all good.  I weigh again–after at least 10 times of weighing 130 I get on and I am back up where I usually am.  My heart sank and I wanted to cry. In fact, I am feeling that a lot lately, like I would like to cry.  My frustration is mounting to a point of desperation.  I am trying so hard to be strong, stay positive and keep motivated, but it is really getting to me.  I feel trapped in this body right now and want out!!  I am sure others have experienced this but right now I feel like I am the only one.  I am literally praying to God and pleading with my body to give me just a little hope.  Why is everything so hard for me?  I have given many people advise on exercise and diet and it works for them–why not me?  Anyone who knows me that I work hard at what ever I do.  I am very competitive–mostly with myself.  This diet has been no different.  I dont know where to go or what to do.

Ok so thanks to all of you who read my pathetic blog yesterday and provided words of encouragement.  Everyone has bad days like that I guess.  I felt a whole lot better today.  My workouts are still kickin’ and I am meeting with a trainer on tuesday to incorporate more weight training.  I really hope this helps me drop some pounds finally.  I am wearing clothes that I  haven’t worn in a long time and that feels good.  I definitely look better with my clothes on–not so good in bathing suit or birthday suit yet.  I still have a fantasy in my head of what I want to be.  Not skinny but thin and ripped!!  I have noticed more wrinkles in my face since I have lost weight.  I always joked about that before, but now it is happening.  has anyone else noticed that?

Anyway, on to a new week.  I will not lose focus.  I need some positive feedback on the scale this week!! PLEEAASSE

Lately I have been feeling that no matter what I do I will always be fat.  I have been trying so hard and have seen very little and slow results.  I am really trying to do it right this time and it is so slow.  It makes me want to do some fad diet just to see SOME results.  I dont know what to do, I am so sad.

Today I went to the tanning beds–something I hate and generally dont advocate but I am going to the beach soon and dont want to get scourched ( I was only in there 6 mins).  Anyway, as I was getting undressed in front of the full length mirror(yikes!!), I realized just how far I have to go.  When I think about it I want to cry.  My inner thighs are completely cellulite, I have a spare tire and totally flabby triceps. Now this is after 3 months of intense workout.  I feel that I must have the most resistant body to weight loss ever!

“Fat” is sometimes a relative concept.  I mean, people will tell me I look good blah, blah, blah. but I am still fat.  I may not be as fat as I used to be or as fat as they are, but I am still fat.   I am so tired of feeling this way.  My goal this time was to transform my body in a way it has never been before, by hard work with no short cuts.  It just doesn’t seem to be working.

Of course I am not giving up.  I will push on.  I just have to get these feelings out.  Thanks to everyone for your support.   Sorry I am a downer today.

I was just reading  my friends blog about her sagging boobs and stretch marks and laughing.  We find great pleasure in pointing out our various imperfections to each other.  It made me realize how although we are all on a similar journey, how different our experiences are because of genetics, environment and upbringing.  Natalie and I are exact opposites in the body department.  I have, by genetics, the flatest a** .  You could literally drop a plumb bob from the base of my skull to my heels and it would never touch my booty.  Since kids, I have lost my waist.  I dont know where it went but it is gone. My love handles are now bigger than my butt. ????  How did this happen?  I have “robust” thighs–once in high school, I was playing travel soccer, and I will never forget these two guys walk by me and say “damn she has legs like Earl Campbell!”  Just what every teenage girl wants to hear–You look like an NFL running back.  Well they were muscle then–not so much anymore.  My friend on the other hand, all booty and booby.  We still have the same struggles–just in different places.  I have noticed a tremendous amount of weight loss in my fingers  though!!  LOL. 

STAY STRONG!!

Last year we started a tradition–an all girls trip.  Really just a long weekend-no kids, no husbands, no rules.  It was fantastic.  Six women leaving 12 kids at home with the hubbies for  a weekend of sun, fun and relaxation.  We had the best time ever!  Well that trip is coming up again and I just booked the reservations. Yipee!!  My friends are totally not judgemental and just fun loving, but they are are skinny as hell!  I dont know where I find these 30-40 year old mamas with terrific bodies for friends but I realized I need to find someone to make me look better.  I am happy to say I am out of the obese category, but I am, by far, the most overweight one going.  Really I know no one cares.  But I dont want to be the fat one.  VERY motivating.  Cant wait only 8 weeks away!

wednesday- my weigh day is just around the corner and I fear that I haven’t lost weight for the second week in a row!  I will be devastated.  I am doing everything I should and my workouts are getting more and more instense.  I dont want to lose motivation because of lack of results!  I am trying to just focus on today but wednesday seems to get here so fast lately.  My all girls trip is just around the corner as well as a trip to Disney.  I want to wear my bathing suit and not be self-conscious.  Yeah, right.  I hope everyone has a great week and stay strong!  (my mantra-Stay strong)

Just working on our office competition for tomorrow.  I bring everyone a weekly summary and multiple recipes.  So I just finished rounding up all of that.  I also give out a gift for the biggest loser for the week and try to keep it “fitness” related.  Its fun for me–I just have to keep myself motivated.

My parents just got back from antartica they noticed that I had lost weight, which was nice.  I just dont feel like I am going anywhere with my weight loss. Patience, patience, patience.

We spent time at our lake house today, just cleaning and checking on things.  It was bitter cold, but it made me think of summer and being in that stinkin’ bathing suit.  I love to waterski and wakeboard (new sports for me) but I hate how my thighs are all jiggly when I am doing that and everyone is watching.  Of course, I am the only fat chick waterskiing, the only one stupid enough to look like one of those disney hippos from fantasia on a waterski.  I’ve got time, better get to it!

Can you feel my pain?   Not only am I craving chocolate because “flo” is visiting but now I literally have 500 boxes of girl scout cookies in my truck.  Great!  Life is not very considerate of my diet plans!!

The good news is that I did get my period which is great for two reasons.  One I am not pregnant–that would totally blow the diet plans.  And two because that probably explains the two pound weight gain.  I am not going to weigh myself until next week and I am hoping for a BIG number.  My work out is getting more and more intense.  I got some leg machine thing at wal-mart and it is awesome for the booty and inner thigh.  I am now doing 9 sprint intervals, 100 crunces and 35 girl push-ups.  I am into it!.  I asked my huband to get me a speed bag.  I think that would be fun and I could get out all my pent up fury from dealing with idiots.

Today I found part of my body I like.  Its my belly button.  It has a good shape and would be perfect for piercing if it weren’t sitting on top of my huge, cellulite belly.  (be patient with me folks this self love thing doesn’t happen overnight!)

Today one of my patients offered some unsolicited advice.  He said it doesn’t matter how much you weigh, you should just accept it and love who you are.  He said he tells his 350lb wife that all the time.  I literally plugged my ears (jokingly).  I agree with that to some degree.  I do have real issues with loving myself and I am working on that, but that is not an excuse to be unhealthy and that was my argument to him.  I am really focused on living a healthy lifestyle that includes exercise and eating right, not just on losing weight.  There are plenty of unhealthy skinning people and I know that although I am packing about 35 extra pounds, I am in good cardiovascular shape and take no medications.  I see the affects of obesity everyday and it can be devastating to a body.  I want people to love themselves inside and out, but not use it as an excuse for acceptance of what is not good for you.  I am trying hard to stay motivated in my weight loss/fitness journey–so at this point I don’t want anyone to tell me to just accept how I am–been there, done that